i have been trying very hard to be honest. it seems the trend is to love me when i am a distant object. i changed it. we killed you; every single one of you majestic larger than life creatures singing to the president singing to the the shining seas singing our praises singing into the line you were snorting singing into the cameras singing into the toilets expelling what could keep you from singing singing and be a superlative and being a model and being the reason i will never be satisfied “being.”
i am too busy being to notice anything beyond the breath, breadth and brevity of every life squeezing pang, pinch my sides, clip onto my waist, held like a child on the hip, more like a burdensome stack of papers falling to my feet on every staircase, blank pages i have yet to fill, to kill a tree, to be a part of it, patriot sounds only homophonic. it manifest destiny-ed onto my desk next to a small stuffed animal bison. i want to write an opus, ode, flammable material. i want it to burn until it reaches the wet concrete i lay face-down in.
i wait for you aflame on the corner of your street and make assumptions. i spend most of my time assessing the amount of time i spend being caring. i don’t sleep because i have nightmares. i have the strange desire to purchase lumber and build you a shed for you to keep a typewriter. a superstition. i wish that you. i realize that that won’t do anything. i wish i could let people. i want to know you want to.
i remember feeling comfortable. my sister and i used to pretend to host a talk show in the bathtub. we had a plastic circus we played with in the living room. we didn’t like the clowns. my favorite was the elephant. she used to tell me i was adopted. i never felt like it was a competition. i think all of my taking care wasn’t the best thing to do. we sang in the tub like guests on talk shows. no one bought my album. the wallows were dust bowls cupping the empty space of the animal that is no longer there. as i got older, and was alone, i planted my face forward, and pretended to drown.